Emotional rollercoaster of a few weeks!
First was results day, sitting in the waiting room waiting for Mr Parker was horrific, until he came out to go see a patient in another room, tapped me on my shoulder gave me the biggest smile and thumbs up going! It was then I knew I was ok.... For the first time in 9 months I knew I was going to be ok. And sure another my appointment time came and he happily looked at the scars across my chest and underarm, happy that they had healed really nicely and was genuinely happy for me that I didn't need more extensive surgery. I could officially count this day 4th May 2016, my 'as clear of Cancer as you'll ever be again' day! Ive been told they won't ever fully give me 100% clearance, however ive got a ton of drugs, radiotherapy and more drugs to have yet to keep the Cancer away again. My Cheshire grin that afternoon could not be contained! People at the gym guessed Id had good news and everything seemed to lift again! Cancer picked the wrong girl when it chose me..... It came, I fought, I won!!!

That weekend I proceeded to go to my BodyBalance course in Plymouth, I knew it was going to be hard, especially with a gammy arm that didn't straighten, however for once the lovely people on the course with me didn't bat an eyelid, didn't ask questions, and didn't seem to even notice the headscarf, chemo belly, and gammy arm!! A weekend of me being back to what I love doing!! And boy did my butt hurt on the journey home!! Plus I had plenty of time to reflect, reflect on the last 8/9 months and all that's gone on, there were tears and smiles!

Saw oncology again on the Wednesday to sign my life away, again, and consent to radiotherapy. Given all the side effects etc to be aware of, the main con being .... It can give me skin cancer.... A treatment used to prevent Cancer can cause Cancer..... Backwards or what!! But signed away and my rads planning was booked for monday.

I was back up on the chemo suite for my Herceptin on the thursday, and after my veins have decided to scar badly from the chemo and now disappear when needles appear, it was decided I would have subcutaneous injections now for the Herceptin to save on the amount of cannulas my poor junkie arms have to put up with! After a nice long catch up with a beautiful incredible friend up on the ward, awaiting my drugs, I eventually got stabbed, and it was as bad stinging wise as I was led to believe!! However I think all the nurses are pretty happy they don't have to cannulate me anymore!! I also had another ECG heart tracing and imaging on the same day, to check the old ticker is still ticking, same cardiologist again, but from what I gather everything is stable with that <3

I then ventured out for a leaving do on the saturday. I didn't get off to a great start.... Im currently without eyelashes, well the majority of eyelashes, so I was sticking some on.... Just for the night just to make me feel a little more normal. Ive done it before, I didn't think I'd struggle! Oh how wrong I was!!! Dunno what it was but Jeeze they would not stick where I wanted them to!! Eventually stuck up, makeup'd, headscarf'd and ready to hit the town! In our group, it was a great night, as soon as I was by myself like going to get a drink etc, I was crapping myself. All I could feel were eyes in my back, or people moving out the way to avoid.... I wanted to curl up in a cave and not come out. Talking to a few guys that I knew, felt completely different to how it felt a year ago talking to them. It's hard to describe and hard to understand, but everything has changed. I went home in tears, feeling horrific about myself, feeling like Id never be the same again.

Emotions have been running high, from happy, to upset, to hulk in matters of minutes at the minute. Hormones are through the roof, so no wonder im here there and everywhere! Just not sure that Hulk Tori is going to be people's friends by the end of all the drugs!! Had a lovely catch up with a bestie over the weekend, and he finally made me realise that no matter the scars, bald head, or illness worries, im still me! Something ive protested throughout anyway, but these last few weeks it's been hard to be me, and he was so genuine with what he said, that he finally made me believe it. Happy Tori was back.

Rads planning was on monday, and so came my first trip to Soton Genral Radiotherapy department..... A place im going to get to know very well and a place that never runs on time ive since come to discover!! I also received my first ever tattoos too!! Three dots where they will be lining the machine up with me to make sure the radiotherapy goes im exact same place each time! Im total ive got 25 sessions with boosters as im young! My radio team seem a lovely bunch.... Although all guys and all fairly young. Great I hear some of you ladies say.... Not so great when you're lying with your arms above your head topless, with your chest being turned into a dot to dot puzzle and tracing chart!!! If I had any dignity left following the doplar scan back at the fertility op.... Ive got none left now 😂!!

Being a bit daft/ambitious rolled into one,!8 entered the gym into a business competition, for funding! This is in the aim to design and implement classes designed for cancer patients during and after treatment or surgery. I'v realised how hard it's going to be for me to reenter normal classes, especially still in a headscarf, again feelings that are incredibly hard to describe to anyone but other fighters! So we shall see how that goes!! Although don't think Doc Marshall going to be best pleased to hear it all coincides with radiotherapy dates!!

Last hurdle of the last couple of weeks is finding a dress that fits for a wedding this week! A small task to most, to me only a few months ago!!! But with chemo you end up with what's known as 'chemo belly' double this up with the amount of steroids Ive had to take for all the reactions my body has put up with... And bam you get someone who looks pregnant!! So a few emotional turns this last week feeling but sorry for myself again. But eventually I'll get back!! Im still in quite a bit of pain across my hips and lower back, and my arm is still swollen, neural and gammy but..... Theres always a silver lining.... My hair is starting to grow back!! Albeit slowly.... It's still coming!!! I may have a head covering for summer woohoo!!!

So for now..... You don't get a rainbow without a little rain.... Im a survivor!! Xxx

An odd feeling, feeling your entire life is on hold, whilst watching everyone else carry on as normal, is incredibly hard. The majority won't understand this feeling at all, and just think im moaning. Maybe I am in your eyes. But when you read pointless dramatics on social media it really brings everything back home again. However hard I try my life won't be the same again. My health will improve, my hair will grow back, scars will fade, and I'll finally get back to work full time, but I'll never be 100% rid of this insidious disease, I'll only be clear to a certain extent. I'll always panic over lumps, bumps, pain, fatigue..... The list is endless! However I won't be down, it's the fact known by all Cancer fighters..... This disease is not only utter shite, but also has its way of biting us on the arse at any point.

Monday was surgery day, the day I dreaded most of all throughout the entire treatment. The day my body gained more scars, lost more tissue, and became forever changed. Went in first thing for wires to be put in me under X-ray guidance, strange concept of being injected with wires that we're going to remain and just stick out of me! The idea behind the wires, and the markers already in me from before, was so Mr Parker could identify the edges of the tumour and Cancer cells, and take all tissues necessary. Have to say, it wasn't exactly the most comfortable procedure going!! I don't even know how to explain it to anyone who hasn't had a mammogram! So stuck up with dressings covering the holes and wires, I was walked over to the surgical unit. And here I sat in my sexy hospital gown and delightful stockings until it was time to be wheeled down to theatre.

Eventually, after what felt like hours (only was an hour!) it was my turn, and along comes one of the gym members, also a member of the surgical team to wheel me down! I got covered up from chin to toes in heated blankets, as my veins have gone caput completely now and won't take needles, they wanted something 'viewable' to stick the cannula in by the anaesthetist. Nice chat with the theatre team, the guy had had Cancer a number of years ago so compeltey understood how I was feeling; tired, exhausted, violated by specialists, sick, worried, anxious, pained, etc etc.... He understood, and didn't need to say much at all, just the look. And our member, well she couldn't have been nicer!! Really set me at ease and put a smile on my face about the gym! And into the anaesthetists prep room I was wheeled, where Mr Parker could be heard singing in the op room! The anaesthetist looked at my hands, warned me it was going to hurt, injected some local in the back of one my hands, and proceeded to put the cannula in.... Yes there were tears!! Im surprised he didn't have a black eye too! The drugs went in, drunk I felt, the mask went on, and out I went!

I came round in recovery quite a few hours later, in pain, very drowsy, but I was alive!! And I could almost smell the food I was daydreaming about!! After all, an entire day is a long time for me without any food!! Back up to the ward I was wheeled, again doped up with my bestest buddy, morphine, and here I stayed! Eventually I was told I could have food, two bits of toast.... Two bits!!! What happened to the rest?!? Probably not the most sensiblest/easiest patient to have on a ward, I ended up going for walkies down to the toilet for a pee, I must have looked full on drunk walking down there, as I certainly felt like my feet were pointing in all sorts of directions! Was stuck up with dressings covering my side, underarm and across chest.... And I could still see the smurf dye.... I was officially a Smurfette!! Yes!!! Life goal achieved!

A few days on, ive been in and out of work (ive had no choice!) , my arm is pretty much useless at the minute, and im still waiting on the results on Wednesday to see the extent of the further surgery necessary. Im still rocking the Smurfette look under the dressings, and the scars look pretty horrific at the minute, however I am assured they will ease! Currently resemble a cross between Frankentit on a good day and a shark bite victim! Ive had some complications from surgery resulting in Auxiliary Web Syndrome which can come about after the Sentinal node biopsy which they did. Basically where neural tissue has been affected in the armpit, resulting in cording and extreme neural pain down the arm. Having to ask family to help put your headscarf on as you can't lift your arm, is not the one!! Hair right now would be so much easier!!

Roll on Wednesday.... Results day! I'll find out what Mr Parker has to say about the surgery, histology results and further surgery etc. In one sense I want Wednesday to hurry up to get it out the way done with and so I can plan what's next, but on another sense, ive done chemo ive done surgery, im done, I can't do anymore!!

But for now, Smurfette is a bit armless ;) and finally catching up on all the sleep missed these last few months, needing naps every few hours! ️Xxx