So another few weeks have passed and I've got less and less time to write posts now! Seeing as I'm working about 60 hr weeks at the minute!

I've since had another few echo's (they seem to like seeing me up on cardiology atm!) and another couple of jabs of herceptin, currently on number 8/18! Nearly half way I guess.

A few more curveballs being thrown into the equation of my recovery and survival, apparently my body really is that awkward/stubborn/hard to fix! Where I'm a blood clotter, they've decided the Tamoxifen (endocrine tablets) that I was due to start to prevent the cancer returning is high risk for clots, so strangely enough they're not prepared to give it to me. Plus where I've been injecting daily for over a year now I need to come off the Clexane injections (finally my stomach won't be a hard bruised lump anymore!!). So they've put me onto tablet form anticoagulant Rivaroxban, a drug that if a dose is missed could cause a stroke so told! Another fun fact of the day.... And seeing how chemo brain has messed with my mental capacity to remember anything anymore I now have daily alarms just to make sure I take them!! So my blood issue is being monitored.

Next step the endocrine preventive medication discussion.... Seeing as my fertility they're pretty sure isn't returning (seeing as it's not returned in 6 months) and the fact I can't take Tamoxifen, I'm going to be injected with other drugs called Goserelin, which forces menopause. A month after my first monthly injection of this I'll then start another daily hormone/endocrine tablet as well to suppress certain hormones.

However with new drugs, comes new side effects, new risks, & new tests! I'm now waiting for a bone density X-ray on my pelvis, spine and hips, so they can monitor the effects of these drugs, as they cause osteoporosis. These scans will be regular throughout my treatment to ensure I don't need top up supplementation. It's also raised further questions regards my mineral counts! I've been getting severe leg cramps (those types of cramp you get in your hammy in the middle of the night when you think you're leg is being ripped in half, yes those daily!) and this is down to my potassium, magnesium and calcium levels being all over the place at the minute. However I was advised to eat and drink as much of certain items as possible to supplement these naturally.... This includes my return of the beloved sweet potatoes & tonic water!! And on questioning this one with Doc Marshall on Wednesday, she advised Gin will make it drinkable, so who am I to go against a docs advice eh! Gin & tonic Friday's a-coming!

I've also had the pleasure of meeting the Trekstick guys & girls.... a great charity group for young cancer sufferers. It was lovely to meet up and just chat, about anything, and not be judged or looked at with 'those' eyes. A great group of guys and girls!

So another month to go until it'll be a whole year since diagnosis day.... A day I plan on frikking celebrating like mad.... After all I didn't get to celebrate my birthday this year so it would just be catching up! If this year has taught me anything, don't waste a flipping second of it!!! Yes cliche but so bloody true, why spend anytime unhappy/worried/regretting.... Spend it living and loving those you want to! I may have just spent a weekend on the booze in Bournemouth with an awesome mate, apparently I'm not too past it for a 12hr bender!! But in all seriousness, this weekend has shown me some home truths & honesty from people which has blown me for six..... So enjoy every moment, don't regret wasting time if you're not happy & nows the time for me to be happy, regardless of what the future holds! Xxx

A few weeks since my last update as life has taken over recently!

Ive seen haematology, who were going to refer on for advice to some other specialist to find out if I could finally come off Clexane injections and head onto a tablet form. It's also been discovered that I have inherited a blood clotting disorder, Factor 5 Leidon, long story short it makes me more prone to clotting. They say it's inherited, thanks mum 😂👍!! So another little hurdle this year has thrown at me!!

So radiotherapy went without an issue, a few minor blips but nothing major. The radiologists over in Southampton were fab, although slightly too much personal space interference (they had to get up close and personal to line up my tattoos with their lasers!) but all in all, all the teams I came across were lovely and supportive. I had a melt down on one of my last rad sessions, they were running late, I was fed up, and tears started rolling during my radiation time, so when the team came back in they were all a bit shocked etc. But hugs and chocolate was prescribed and I chilled out a bit! The accumulation of everything finishing I guess must have gotten on top of me and I was at a low point. Rads finished on the Tuesday morning, and I was due to go to Amsterdam Tuesday night..... Another minor blip, I couldn't go. Medically I was fine, emotionally/psychologically I wasn't. Cue.... Massive melt down in London before returning home and being at one my lowest points of all time.

A nights sleep and a flight ticket later, I was on my way to Amsterdam. And this time I made it! Although it wasn't without issue!! Three quarters of my suitcase was drugs/needles/sharps boxes/dressings. And my hand luggage was more drugs/letters and my wig (Wiggy came for its first ever outing just incase I couldn't get through passport control!). So an interview at passport control later and I was allowed to fly! Apparently baldies get questioned more (we're special!!)! Ant came and met me for the first day/night, great time sightseeing, and then when It was time for him to leave.... Anxiety/nerves/no confidence set in once again, and I dreaded it. I was scared. I was nervous. And I just wanted to be in my safe space and go home. A year without getting out and about by myself had paid its toll.

But I stayed, and what a fab ten days I had!! Met some incredible people out there who've become great friends, heard stories that will last me a lifetime, and made some fantastic memories. Amsterdam was a blast! I flew back for a day in the middle of the trip for the Venus National Awards, was a very long day, but nice to be back in UK if only for a few hours! So I got back, worked for a few days and then headed straight Upto Edinburgh (another flight!) for Born To Move instructors course, so I can teach little ones to do fun exercise routines! Again another long few days, feeling very isolated, but I got through it and then back to the rock I returned.... Three whole weeks without a hospital, doctor, canulla, or anything in sight or earshot.... Bliss!! The day after I got home... The hospital phone!

So back to it I went.... Heart echo on the monday. As my heart had been damaged through the Herceptin drug, they stopped it temporarily to try and make sure all my levels came back to normal. So this scan would see and check to make sure I was ok to go back on to the drugs. Wednesday came and back to oncology for consultant appointment to follow up for rads and to see about the heart! Saw a different consultant today, as Dr Marshall was running so late! So I saw, Dr Fenton, and the only thing I could think when I was sat there was that dog Fenton on YouTube who's chased after by his owner!! However he was a nice bloke, and explained the next steps in treatment.... Finish Herceptin treatment with the help of heart medications, these meds are designed for heart failure, and will drop my blood pressure to put less pressure on my heart & allow it to try and remain in the normal bracket for certain levels. The issue being my left ventricular ejection fraction is currently at 38% instead of the normal 75%. Depending on how my heart then takes back to the Herceptin, the drugs may be temporary, they probably won't be! Reading about the drug, the side effects seem to outweigh the benefits i feel..... I may get gain, palpitations, dizziness, headaches, sickness, swelling of the tongue and throat, trouble breathing and a persistent cough..... All for the sake of being able to be jabbed in the leg every few weeks!! Oh and I guess maybe prevent Cancer coming back!!! So all good fun, and I swear im going to end up being a rattle!!

So onto friday, and im back on the chemo suite, waiting to be jabbed! Having had 10 weeks without any stabbings, and 3 complete weeks without hospitals, the heart suddenly sunk with the reminder of the suite and the thought of another needle. Xxx

It's been a mad few weeks, with VOOM, rads and now the IW festival to contend with!

Stupidity got the better of me, and I decided to enter the VOOM Business Competition just before radiotherapy started, it turned a normal mad week into an extremely crazyily busy mad as a hatter kind of week! However, the plan is to design class programmes for oncology (and other populations!) to provide a safe effective and comfortable environment where exercise can be started or maintained throughout treatment. We suddenly ended up on every press available on the island, and I found myself receiving several facebook messages and emails regarding the idea, and how Id touched on people's hearts etc. It's been overwhelming the support we received. Along came the pitch on Wednesday, my supposed first day of rads which I put off for the sake of the pitch!! An incredible experience pitching in front of the business entrepreneurs, and mingling amongst other business owners also pitching. And being called an inspiration by Peter Kelly himself has to be my highlight! A week went by of waiting to hear the results, and sadly we didn't make it any further, however from over 3000 entries to make the top 80.... Im pretty dam chuffed with that!! And by no means does this mean the plan gets forgotten about.... Still going to do it whether Sir Rich wants to help me out or not!! I just may get rads out the way first!!!

Finally radiotherapy started the thursday after the pitch and so far has been fairly easy! Apart from the extra 4 hours of travelling each day, extra fatigue, migraine style headaches, and sunburn.... It's actually so much easier than chemo (something that everyone keeps telling you throughout!). You get to know your rads team really well seeing them everyday, and although they look really young (think im getting old!) theyre all super friendly and caring.
The radiation machine is different to what I expected, although im not completely sure what that was anymore! It reminds me of a big eye robot kind of thing from a sci fi movie, which with chemo brain playing havoc recently, can't remember at all what it's called!! So two hours getting there, and so far Ive checked in and not even got bum to waiting area chair before ive been called through to my machine. Takes about 10 minutes to align me on the machine, with my marker tatoos having laser lines going through them to make sure the radiation is hitting the exact same areas each time, for then 5 minutes of treatment, followed by another two hours travel home! Long ass way for 5 minutes!! However the team at Soton General are just as lovely as the St Mary's team.

A sunny weekend I got out and enjoyed finally. Although depressing moments of the week came when the summer wardrobe made an appearance, and no shorts still fit me. Ive got two and a half stone to lose again..... And I can't do physical activity yet!! Going to be a long summer I feel!!! Also having a conversation with someone about relationships, and he kindly told me ''I need hair to fall in love'', that's when rock bottom hit for this week and got me thinking.... Surely people see past hair?? It's just what's on your head no?? Surely its what's on the inside not just the outside?! Surely it shouldn't matter?!? Gobsmacked to say the least, I didn't realise there was such an issue with having a shiner, obviously hair and looks mean more to people than a big heart and honesty!

One of the main side effects of rads is fatigue. The hardest part to explain to someone.... Im not sleepy tired (yes Id happily go back to bed right this moment in time!) but it's not sleepiness, my entire body aches, it feel like I have zero energy what so ever. Completely fatigued.... Already.... Only another three weeks to go!! Come on body, me and you have been through so much already.... Just a little further to go!!

Tuesday I had another ECG at St Mary's, only a couple of weeks since my last one I thought this to be a bit strange. Yesterday I was due my Herceptin appointment up on Chemo Suite. However I got sent back to Oncology to see Doc Marshall to get results of ECG before I'm allowed any more Herceptin. My heart hasn't come back to normal levels that theyd expect following each round of Herceptin, so they've stopped the Herceptin, the drug to help prevent reoccurrence, for the time being hopefully giving my heart a chance to recover. If it doesn't then it'll be more drugs that I'll end up taking! It's kind of now set my head a wash with worry that the drugs meant to help prevent it from coming back have been stopped.... And it's going to come back!! But..... We shall see what happens over the next few months! I came into this whole illness, a fit healthy individual.... Ive now got a dodgy heart, a scarred body and a ton load of drugs everyday.... It all seems a bit backwards!!

So a weekend of rads, iw festival and the 10k Race For Life down in Bournemouth on Sunday (yes im a tad of a loon!). Im currently on 5/19 rads, today will be my 6th.... But the bigger battle for the next few days of treatment, will be with the festival reprobates on the ferry..... So if you don't hear from me again, ive gotten my self locked up for pushing a festivaller overboard!! I don't think tents, wellies and I are going to get on this weekend! ️Xxx

Emotional rollercoaster of a few weeks!
First was results day, sitting in the waiting room waiting for Mr Parker was horrific, until he came out to go see a patient in another room, tapped me on my shoulder gave me the biggest smile and thumbs up going! It was then I knew I was ok.... For the first time in 9 months I knew I was going to be ok. And sure another my appointment time came and he happily looked at the scars across my chest and underarm, happy that they had healed really nicely and was genuinely happy for me that I didn't need more extensive surgery. I could officially count this day 4th May 2016, my 'as clear of Cancer as you'll ever be again' day! Ive been told they won't ever fully give me 100% clearance, however ive got a ton of drugs, radiotherapy and more drugs to have yet to keep the Cancer away again. My Cheshire grin that afternoon could not be contained! People at the gym guessed Id had good news and everything seemed to lift again! Cancer picked the wrong girl when it chose me..... It came, I fought, I won!!!

That weekend I proceeded to go to my BodyBalance course in Plymouth, I knew it was going to be hard, especially with a gammy arm that didn't straighten, however for once the lovely people on the course with me didn't bat an eyelid, didn't ask questions, and didn't seem to even notice the headscarf, chemo belly, and gammy arm!! A weekend of me being back to what I love doing!! And boy did my butt hurt on the journey home!! Plus I had plenty of time to reflect, reflect on the last 8/9 months and all that's gone on, there were tears and smiles!

Saw oncology again on the Wednesday to sign my life away, again, and consent to radiotherapy. Given all the side effects etc to be aware of, the main con being .... It can give me skin cancer.... A treatment used to prevent Cancer can cause Cancer..... Backwards or what!! But signed away and my rads planning was booked for monday.

I was back up on the chemo suite for my Herceptin on the thursday, and after my veins have decided to scar badly from the chemo and now disappear when needles appear, it was decided I would have subcutaneous injections now for the Herceptin to save on the amount of cannulas my poor junkie arms have to put up with! After a nice long catch up with a beautiful incredible friend up on the ward, awaiting my drugs, I eventually got stabbed, and it was as bad stinging wise as I was led to believe!! However I think all the nurses are pretty happy they don't have to cannulate me anymore!! I also had another ECG heart tracing and imaging on the same day, to check the old ticker is still ticking, same cardiologist again, but from what I gather everything is stable with that <3

I then ventured out for a leaving do on the saturday. I didn't get off to a great start.... Im currently without eyelashes, well the majority of eyelashes, so I was sticking some on.... Just for the night just to make me feel a little more normal. Ive done it before, I didn't think I'd struggle! Oh how wrong I was!!! Dunno what it was but Jeeze they would not stick where I wanted them to!! Eventually stuck up, makeup'd, headscarf'd and ready to hit the town! In our group, it was a great night, as soon as I was by myself like going to get a drink etc, I was crapping myself. All I could feel were eyes in my back, or people moving out the way to avoid.... I wanted to curl up in a cave and not come out. Talking to a few guys that I knew, felt completely different to how it felt a year ago talking to them. It's hard to describe and hard to understand, but everything has changed. I went home in tears, feeling horrific about myself, feeling like Id never be the same again.

Emotions have been running high, from happy, to upset, to hulk in matters of minutes at the minute. Hormones are through the roof, so no wonder im here there and everywhere! Just not sure that Hulk Tori is going to be people's friends by the end of all the drugs!! Had a lovely catch up with a bestie over the weekend, and he finally made me realise that no matter the scars, bald head, or illness worries, im still me! Something ive protested throughout anyway, but these last few weeks it's been hard to be me, and he was so genuine with what he said, that he finally made me believe it. Happy Tori was back.

Rads planning was on monday, and so came my first trip to Soton Genral Radiotherapy department..... A place im going to get to know very well and a place that never runs on time ive since come to discover!! I also received my first ever tattoos too!! Three dots where they will be lining the machine up with me to make sure the radiotherapy goes im exact same place each time! Im total ive got 25 sessions with boosters as im young! My radio team seem a lovely bunch.... Although all guys and all fairly young. Great I hear some of you ladies say.... Not so great when you're lying with your arms above your head topless, with your chest being turned into a dot to dot puzzle and tracing chart!!! If I had any dignity left following the doplar scan back at the fertility op.... Ive got none left now 😂!!

Being a bit daft/ambitious rolled into one,!8 entered the gym into a business competition, for funding! This is in the aim to design and implement classes designed for cancer patients during and after treatment or surgery. I'v realised how hard it's going to be for me to reenter normal classes, especially still in a headscarf, again feelings that are incredibly hard to describe to anyone but other fighters! So we shall see how that goes!! Although don't think Doc Marshall going to be best pleased to hear it all coincides with radiotherapy dates!!

Last hurdle of the last couple of weeks is finding a dress that fits for a wedding this week! A small task to most, to me only a few months ago!!! But with chemo you end up with what's known as 'chemo belly' double this up with the amount of steroids Ive had to take for all the reactions my body has put up with... And bam you get someone who looks pregnant!! So a few emotional turns this last week feeling but sorry for myself again. But eventually I'll get back!! Im still in quite a bit of pain across my hips and lower back, and my arm is still swollen, neural and gammy but..... Theres always a silver lining.... My hair is starting to grow back!! Albeit slowly.... It's still coming!!! I may have a head covering for summer woohoo!!!

So for now..... You don't get a rainbow without a little rain.... Im a survivor!! Xxx

An odd feeling, feeling your entire life is on hold, whilst watching everyone else carry on as normal, is incredibly hard. The majority won't understand this feeling at all, and just think im moaning. Maybe I am in your eyes. But when you read pointless dramatics on social media it really brings everything back home again. However hard I try my life won't be the same again. My health will improve, my hair will grow back, scars will fade, and I'll finally get back to work full time, but I'll never be 100% rid of this insidious disease, I'll only be clear to a certain extent. I'll always panic over lumps, bumps, pain, fatigue..... The list is endless! However I won't be down, it's the fact known by all Cancer fighters..... This disease is not only utter shite, but also has its way of biting us on the arse at any point.

Monday was surgery day, the day I dreaded most of all throughout the entire treatment. The day my body gained more scars, lost more tissue, and became forever changed. Went in first thing for wires to be put in me under X-ray guidance, strange concept of being injected with wires that we're going to remain and just stick out of me! The idea behind the wires, and the markers already in me from before, was so Mr Parker could identify the edges of the tumour and Cancer cells, and take all tissues necessary. Have to say, it wasn't exactly the most comfortable procedure going!! I don't even know how to explain it to anyone who hasn't had a mammogram! So stuck up with dressings covering the holes and wires, I was walked over to the surgical unit. And here I sat in my sexy hospital gown and delightful stockings until it was time to be wheeled down to theatre.

Eventually, after what felt like hours (only was an hour!) it was my turn, and along comes one of the gym members, also a member of the surgical team to wheel me down! I got covered up from chin to toes in heated blankets, as my veins have gone caput completely now and won't take needles, they wanted something 'viewable' to stick the cannula in by the anaesthetist. Nice chat with the theatre team, the guy had had Cancer a number of years ago so compeltey understood how I was feeling; tired, exhausted, violated by specialists, sick, worried, anxious, pained, etc etc.... He understood, and didn't need to say much at all, just the look. And our member, well she couldn't have been nicer!! Really set me at ease and put a smile on my face about the gym! And into the anaesthetists prep room I was wheeled, where Mr Parker could be heard singing in the op room! The anaesthetist looked at my hands, warned me it was going to hurt, injected some local in the back of one my hands, and proceeded to put the cannula in.... Yes there were tears!! Im surprised he didn't have a black eye too! The drugs went in, drunk I felt, the mask went on, and out I went!

I came round in recovery quite a few hours later, in pain, very drowsy, but I was alive!! And I could almost smell the food I was daydreaming about!! After all, an entire day is a long time for me without any food!! Back up to the ward I was wheeled, again doped up with my bestest buddy, morphine, and here I stayed! Eventually I was told I could have food, two bits of toast.... Two bits!!! What happened to the rest?!? Probably not the most sensiblest/easiest patient to have on a ward, I ended up going for walkies down to the toilet for a pee, I must have looked full on drunk walking down there, as I certainly felt like my feet were pointing in all sorts of directions! Was stuck up with dressings covering my side, underarm and across chest.... And I could still see the smurf dye.... I was officially a Smurfette!! Yes!!! Life goal achieved!

A few days on, ive been in and out of work (ive had no choice!) , my arm is pretty much useless at the minute, and im still waiting on the results on Wednesday to see the extent of the further surgery necessary. Im still rocking the Smurfette look under the dressings, and the scars look pretty horrific at the minute, however I am assured they will ease! Currently resemble a cross between Frankentit on a good day and a shark bite victim! Ive had some complications from surgery resulting in Auxiliary Web Syndrome which can come about after the Sentinal node biopsy which they did. Basically where neural tissue has been affected in the armpit, resulting in cording and extreme neural pain down the arm. Having to ask family to help put your headscarf on as you can't lift your arm, is not the one!! Hair right now would be so much easier!!

Roll on Wednesday.... Results day! I'll find out what Mr Parker has to say about the surgery, histology results and further surgery etc. In one sense I want Wednesday to hurry up to get it out the way done with and so I can plan what's next, but on another sense, ive done chemo ive done surgery, im done, I can't do anymore!!

But for now, Smurfette is a bit armless ;) and finally catching up on all the sleep missed these last few months, needing naps every few hours! ️Xxx

Another trip to the chemo suite for Herceptin, there was me thinking a solo drug should be a bit easier but Nope I was wrong again! Three cannula attempts and a black arm later and my drugs were in. Im still currently struggling with fingers and nails being black and unusable, but im assured one day I'll be back to normal!!

It's been a long week this week, really emotional week and being forgotten about by 'friends', Ive got to the point where the smaller the circle the better! Going through shit you realise the importance of people and how they treat you! Had some incredible support from people I never expected it from, especially hockey related and I cannot thank everyone enough for that. Can't wait to catch up with everyone in person in the coming months!

Tomorrow is surgery day! D Day number 1!! Id be lying if I said I wasn't bricking it but hopefully after tomorrow the insidious tumour will be no more! So currently nil by mouth this evening, probably the hardest task of them all seeing as I won't be eating again until 5/6 tomorrow evening! Heading in bright and early tomorrow to have wires and a blue dye put in me before being taken to theatre. The blue dye or 'smurf dye' as I know it, will highlight my nodes, so they can see which ones to take out etc. Whilst im down in theatre they'll send some nodes to pathology to see if partial or full mode clearance is necessary. And this dye can last for months so im going to be feeling blue for a while yet!!

Length of surgery depends on pathology results and length of hospital stay is all dependent on surgery! So I shall find out tomorrow afternoon what's happening! But ive got my Elmo pjs packed and a bag of haribo, so im sorted! It does feel a bit like going into the unknown, but Mr Parker knows his job and ive got to put my trust into him with this and for him to do what he feels necessary.

So im being dropped off as Fester and going to be picked up as Smurfette Fester! Roll on tomorrow I guess... ️Xxx

Last three weeks have been yet another rollercoaster of feelings. First week I was doped up on morphine for the majority. Last week I was at work for the majority. And this week A and E, and hospital has been on the cards!
My morphine week seemed the longest ever from all the rounds and I physically was in no state to do anything. Last week I finally got back to being myself, and working makes me happy! Whereas this week is a completely different week! Finally got to work out in the gym! Well I say that tentatively.... I did a couple of Bodybalance classes. But it was so nice to finally do something! Joined the Raiders in their playoff finals in chelmsford over the weekend, and it was fab catching up with everyone and friends from other teams over the weekend. Catching the 3am ferry back after ice hockey on Sunday/Monday meant i was heading into work on zero sleep. Back to the world of weekends in a giant freezer!

Onto monday, work went fine, decided to go up hospital to get my dodgy looking nails and chemo site checked as chemo ward last week had said if didn't clear up with hydrocortisone cream and antibiotics they gave me to head back in. Biggest mistake! A and E was rammed.... Six hour wait! Met a lovely lady and her daughter whilst waiting. And finally went through to be greeted by some of my regular nurses and docs! Had lots of blood taken and holes put in my nails to drain the blood from below them. Very low white blood count, too low for surgery so I was warned the chances of surgery going ahead on Monday was pretty much non existent. Never been so cold in my life, Was bloody freezing in there so my fave nurse, who's done my canula several times now supplied me with lots of blankets to wrap up in. And I was finally on my way home drugs in hand in the early hours of the morning after heading in at 4ish!

Tuesday was a normal day...no wait I don't have those anymore!! Went to Southampton general for a few bits and attended a Look Good Feel Better workshop, all about how to apply make up etc to make you look less uncle festerish! It was good but quite patronising at times, giving us a voucher for a free eye brow wax.... I wish I had decent eye brows left!! Next thing I know I'll be given a voucher for a leg wax or hair cut!!

Today was surgery discussion with Mr Parker, after a long ass wait for appointment I finally had mine.... Took all of 5 mins! And he's decided Monday is definitely going to be d-day just with a few extra drugs! After worrying last few days that they're going to put it off and potentially another round of chemo to keep me going until the next date. Quite a relief to keep the date! Although I now have three botched nails to add to the list!! Ever tried doing stuff without your fingers?! Or after you've slammed them in a door?! That's how it feels & looks!

So onto tomorrow.... Herceptin day! Back to chemo ward I go for yet more needles and drugs! Before a couple of nights up in london enjoying some time before im immobile for a few weeks. Onwards and upwards! Forgotten shit friends and forgotten life's petty dramas now is the time to focus on me! ️Xxx