Surgery Day & Being Stuck in a Limbo

An odd feeling, feeling your entire life is on hold, whilst watching everyone else carry on as normal, is incredibly hard. The majority won't understand this feeling at all, and just think im moaning. Maybe I am in your eyes. But when you read pointless dramatics on social media it really brings everything back home again. However hard I try my life won't be the same again. My health will improve, my hair will grow back, scars will fade, and I'll finally get back to work full time, but I'll never be 100% rid of this insidious disease, I'll only be clear to a certain extent. I'll always panic over lumps, bumps, pain, fatigue..... The list is endless! However I won't be down, it's the fact known by all Cancer fighters..... This disease is not only utter shite, but also has its way of biting us on the arse at any point.

Monday was surgery day, the day I dreaded most of all throughout the entire treatment. The day my body gained more scars, lost more tissue, and became forever changed. Went in first thing for wires to be put in me under X-ray guidance, strange concept of being injected with wires that we're going to remain and just stick out of me! The idea behind the wires, and the markers already in me from before, was so Mr Parker could identify the edges of the tumour and Cancer cells, and take all tissues necessary. Have to say, it wasn't exactly the most comfortable procedure going!! I don't even know how to explain it to anyone who hasn't had a mammogram! So stuck up with dressings covering the holes and wires, I was walked over to the surgical unit. And here I sat in my sexy hospital gown and delightful stockings until it was time to be wheeled down to theatre.

Eventually, after what felt like hours (only was an hour!) it was my turn, and along comes one of the gym members, also a member of the surgical team to wheel me down! I got covered up from chin to toes in heated blankets, as my veins have gone caput completely now and won't take needles, they wanted something 'viewable' to stick the cannula in by the anaesthetist. Nice chat with the theatre team, the guy had had Cancer a number of years ago so compeltey understood how I was feeling; tired, exhausted, violated by specialists, sick, worried, anxious, pained, etc etc.... He understood, and didn't need to say much at all, just the look. And our member, well she couldn't have been nicer!! Really set me at ease and put a smile on my face about the gym! And into the anaesthetists prep room I was wheeled, where Mr Parker could be heard singing in the op room! The anaesthetist looked at my hands, warned me it was going to hurt, injected some local in the back of one my hands, and proceeded to put the cannula in.... Yes there were tears!! Im surprised he didn't have a black eye too! The drugs went in, drunk I felt, the mask went on, and out I went!

I came round in recovery quite a few hours later, in pain, very drowsy, but I was alive!! And I could almost smell the food I was daydreaming about!! After all, an entire day is a long time for me without any food!! Back up to the ward I was wheeled, again doped up with my bestest buddy, morphine, and here I stayed! Eventually I was told I could have food, two bits of toast.... Two bits!!! What happened to the rest?!? Probably not the most sensiblest/easiest patient to have on a ward, I ended up going for walkies down to the toilet for a pee, I must have looked full on drunk walking down there, as I certainly felt like my feet were pointing in all sorts of directions! Was stuck up with dressings covering my side, underarm and across chest.... And I could still see the smurf dye.... I was officially a Smurfette!! Yes!!! Life goal achieved!

A few days on, ive been in and out of work (ive had no choice!) , my arm is pretty much useless at the minute, and im still waiting on the results on Wednesday to see the extent of the further surgery necessary. Im still rocking the Smurfette look under the dressings, and the scars look pretty horrific at the minute, however I am assured they will ease! Currently resemble a cross between Frankentit on a good day and a shark bite victim! Ive had some complications from surgery resulting in Auxiliary Web Syndrome which can come about after the Sentinal node biopsy which they did. Basically where neural tissue has been affected in the armpit, resulting in cording and extreme neural pain down the arm. Having to ask family to help put your headscarf on as you can't lift your arm, is not the one!! Hair right now would be so much easier!!

Roll on Wednesday.... Results day! I'll find out what Mr Parker has to say about the surgery, histology results and further surgery etc. In one sense I want Wednesday to hurry up to get it out the way done with and so I can plan what's next, but on another sense, ive done chemo ive done surgery, im done, I can't do anymore!!

But for now, Smurfette is a bit armless ;) and finally catching up on all the sleep missed these last few months, needing naps every few hours! ️Xxx