The after struggles

So I've not posted recently and in all honesty it's because I've been struggling mentally.


After losing Jules in February, Alex my fertility buddy sadly also lost her fight with ALL, a rare form of leukaemia, three weeks later. This girl was incredible, she never once moaned, she never gave up, and she had the most beautiful smile that lit up rooms. We started on the whole cancer journey together within days of each other, we were told on Friday 13th about our ovary ops being the first two in the country to be done, and we supported one another right from the off. Countless nights spent up high on steroids, talking cravings, treatments and hair status!! She wrote the most beautiful but accurate poem about her journey, and if you take anything from any of my blogs, remember her last line.... all we have is this moment be grateful for that!


Cancer is shit. That's the only way I can describe it nowadays. I'm lucky I'm alive. Having the saying 'things come in threes' echoing in my head these last few weeks hasn't helped my mental state. I've been extra paranoid of every ache or pain. It's come back. It's going to finish me to. Realistically I know at the minute it hasn't, and I'm on four different drug regimes just to try and prevent it. But jeeze it doesn't half screw you up mentally. Waking up every morning, having to remind yourself that you're on the right path. Going to bed every night and being scared to close your eyes in case you don't open them again. Yea, mega messed up.

So in the last few weeks I continued the running, with three half marathons in three weeks back in march. All completed successfully and with varying amounts of morphine! Alex & Jules will be forever etched in my head, they weren't able to live their life and follow their dreams, so I'm sodding going to do crazy shit for them.


I've also started a new drug regime called Zoladronic Acid, to primarily treat my hypocalcemia, mega low calcium levels causing osteopenia leading to osteoporosis. But it's also just been passed to us as a preventative drug in reoccurrence etc. So again, a bit guinea pig style going on! This given as an IV infusion so yet another trip back to chemo suite every four weeks, more canulas, and none of my injections match up with the other visits. This causes side effects, ''nothing to worry about'' they said...... yea...... yet again I've ended up on a combo of morphine, paracetamol and a relaxant at the end of the cycle, every three weeks, due to struggling to walk! The bone pain was incredibly awful especially in my knees hips and lower back for about a week each time. The drug helps to take calcium out of the blood and the bone so constantly regenerating new bone. So preventative it helps to stop calcium being deposited on structures around the body causing secondary met sites.


Friendship wise I still clearly have the Cancer tag attached. Obviously it's contagious and no one should come anywhere near me!! Some people have been awesome granted, others have even crossed roads to avoid conversation! Hey theyre the ones who'll be missing out on the awesomeness of .... me 😁 but no, it hurts even now 18months on, I've lost my two so called best mates.... one I've received two texts from since diagnosis day, and the other tried for the first month or so then has cut contact and most recently crossed the road after spotting me!! Madness.


Anyway enough about the madness, I'm not going to dwell on the mental status, we all know i always have a smile on, and that's not going to change! Far worse things in life than the last 18months I've had. Yes I'm messed up at the minute but I'll get back, just takes time, reassurance and some awesome people in my life! Xxx